I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
