Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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