just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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