Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize