i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
