I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
