I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
