I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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