Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
