You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
