is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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