I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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