Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
cat food counts as protein by the way
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
