I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
