We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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