I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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