A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
