The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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