I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
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