I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
