I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
