I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
