umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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