She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
be right there i have to get my cape
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
