gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Randomize
