If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I seem to have left my pride at pride
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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