i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
