My hand turned me down
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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