i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
