when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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