Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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