The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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