Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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