He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize