Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
