Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
