Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
