I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
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