I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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