If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
