Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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