Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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