Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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