I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Randomize