I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My dick has a subreddit
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
