Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Randomize