Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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