He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
zippers are such a cool invention
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Randomize
