I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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