Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
