We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
