He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
